Why Smart, Accomplished Women Are Terrified to Want

In this episode, we’re pulling back the curtain on a profound but rarely discussed truth: Why smart, accomplished women are afraid to want. You’ve built your career, achieved external success, and checked off every box. So why does desire feel so dangerous? We explore how the ShadowOS—your internal system of self-sabotage—turns your wants into needs, shrinking your world in the process. I’ll walk you through the subtle ways this fear of looking foolish keeps you stuck, and how reclaiming unapologetic desire is the key to breaking free from survival mode and stepping into your power. It’s time to stop shrinking your wants. It’s time to want boldly.

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Transcript

1:08

Welcome back to another episode where we strip away the noise, unraveled the narratives, and dig deep into the real work of personal mastery and identity. Re-invention. Today, we're going to dive into something that's been sitting kind of heavy in my mind recently. And it's the complex relationship accomplished women have with desire. We'll explore why simply wanting something feels so dangerous and how the unconscious operating system that I call your shadow operating system. Plays on the fear of looking stupid. And why. Shrinking our desires actually shrinks our power. So let's talk about. Desire. And vulnerability. There's a powerful insight that I've been reflecting on and it reveals the key mechanism by which women and really anyone. Are kept in a loop of suppression. It's this. When simply wanting something becomes too threatening. Your shadow operating systems, swoops in distorting that desire. Into something that must be justified. Or reframed as a need or even worse abandoned altogether. This reframing is a form of self-deception that robs you of your agency. Allowing the shuttle operating system to maintain its control by keeping your desires in the realm of safety. And it's almost like the shadow operating system equates desire with vulnerability. Wanting without needing exposes you to risk. The risk of not getting it. The risk of looking foolish, the risk of feeling rejected. And the shuttle. Yes. Right. Sensing that risk convinces you to minimize it. How. By turning your desire into something practical, manageable, or ignore a bubble. Essentially shrinking your world. To what feels safe, but not necessarily fulfilling. In untamed. Glennon Doyle rights. I will not be afraid of wanting things. I will not be afraid of myself. And she taps into the core of this issue. When women dare to want something purely for the joy and expansion of it. The shadow. Oh, S intervenes making that desire feel frivolous, dangerous, or even selfish. Doyle encourages us to stop fearing our desires and reclaim that unapologetic part of ourselves. That's been trained to suppress the very things that could. Bring us alive. And she discusses how deeply ingrained fear is in women when it comes to their desires. The shadow OOS mirrors, this exact fear shrinking wants to avoid the vulnerability of exposure. This fear of wanting leads, women to believe that it's safer not to desire at all. Or to limit their desires to what feels socially acceptable or necessary. She links desires to one's authenticity. And that in claiming your desires. You risk judgment, rejection and loss of approval. But in not claiming them, you lose yourself. And another book that talks about this. Extensively is Clarissa. Pink Cola. Estis. And the women who run with wolves. And she echoes this in a different way. She says. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life. That is a door. Desire. That simple yearning is the door to our wild, authentic selves. Yet. The SOS slams it. Shut. Before we can even step through. And it convinces us, convinces you that it's better to stay on this side of the door. Where things are safer. Predictable. And even though it keeps us disconnected from what we truly want. This is where your power lies. Recognizing when your desires are being hijacked by this internal system and guiding yourself to reclaim them in the fullest ORM, it's a profound step in the work of transmutation. Shifting from living in survival mode to living in possibility and expansive. Creation. Now let's get into what this actually looks like and how this your shadow operating system pulls off this act up. Basically self-sabotage in real time. And it's so ingrained that if you haven't done this work. Then you probably don't even know what's happening. You just think this is who you are, and this is how you operate. You don't even recognize that. There's this hidden force that's actually taking over your body. And. Getting you to begin this justification process or shrink or give up on your goals. And it is going to tell you, oh, but your, you like predictability and you like boundaries and you. Like, it's just going to tell you all kinds of stuff. So let's look at what it looks like. Here's what happens. The moment you start to feel about want bubble up. Maybe it's an idea or some creative spark, something that has nothing to do with the empire that you've built. You feel a flash of excitement? Until. Your shadow operating systems. Whoops. In. And wrapping that desire in layers of doubt and overthinking. But what if this doesn't make sense? What if I look ridiculous, what if people think I'm losing it? You start shrinking your desire. You downplay it, you rationalize it and you might even talk yourself out of it, completely convincing yourself that it wasn't even important in the first place. This is what accomplished women do when they confront desire. You reframe it diluted or abandoned it. Because desire feels too dangerous to sit with on its own. Now the shuttle. The west is brilliant at convincing you that pure want is a risk. It plays on the most vulnerable part of being accomplished the need to appear competent, intelligent, and in control at all times, because here's the real fear. What if I go after this thing I want, and I fail. And worse. What if I look stupid doing it? The shadow, Wes. Knows that accomplished women don't fear, failure, as much as they fear looking dumb or stupid. It's going to whisper things. You already know the answer. You should have figured this out by now. Don't ask that question. You'll look like an amateur. So, instead of claiming your desires with confidence, you start justifying them to make them palatable. You turn your wants into needs because needs are safe needs are practical. But that shrinking. That's the shuttle, Wes. Wes stripping away your power. And this shows up in real time, in the most subtle ways, right? Maybe you're thinking about pivoting careers or launching a new project, maybe something just completely different from what you're known for. And instead of saying, I want this because it excites me. You hear yourself say, well, maybe this will help me build my brand, or I think this would be good for networking. You start reframing your desire in a way that makes it easier to justify. You start seeking external validation and you crowdsource your justification. By asking everyone that you, um, are close to. Right. Do you think this is a good idea? Do you think this is worth it? Should I do this? And it's not that you don't know what you want. It's that the idea of wanting something for the pure joy of it feels dangerous. Because if you pursue it and it doesn't work out. If you look foolish or amateurish in the process. Then the shadow O S has convinced you. That that's a reflection of your competence or your intelligence of who you are. So instead of allowing yourself to want you turn that want into something that has to serve a purpose, something measurable or something. Um, tangible so that you can rationalize it. And here's what's at stake. When this shuttle operating system convinces you to shrink your wants into something more manageable. You're not just playing it safe. You are shrinking your world. You your staying in a box that keeps you. Quote successful, but not expansive. You're robbing yourself of pure raw power that comes from saying, I want this simply because I do. And when you play small, you're not actually protecting yourself from looking dumb. You're just avoiding the inevitable. Discomfort that comes with stepping into a new territory. And that's the thing about desire. It is vulnerable. There's no getting around that, but vulnerability is not the enemy here. The real enemy is letting the fear of that vulnerability. Keep you locked in a space where you'll never be fully expressed. Fully expansive. So what would happen if you allowed yourself to want something without shrinking into a need without justifying it or seeking permission? This is the work that I do with all of my clients. And it's going to be in the re-invention roadmap that I have coming out. And this is where we confront the shuttle operating system head on. No, I'm not here to shrink my wants into something safe is basically our mantra. Right. Because the truth is that pure desire. That's where your power lies. Wanting something without the chains of justification or utility. That's where you tap into something beyond competence. That's where you expand into a version of yourself that isn't limited by what's practical or responsible or expected. And if you pursue that want and you fall flat on your face, you're still standing. You're still powerful. In fact, you're more powerful because you dared to expand beyond what's comfortable. So here's my challenge to you. The next time you feel a want bubble up. Don't shrink. It don't justify it. Let it be as big as it is. And notice how quickly the shadow operating system tries to convince you to wrap it in practicality or abandon it altogether. Notice how fast, the fear of looking dumb kicks in. And instead of letting that fear, run the show, sit with it. Recognize it for what it is a survival mechanism meant to keep you small and let it pass. Your job is to reclaim desire as a gateway to your power, not as a threat to competence. This is the work of personal reinvention. This is what it means to move beyond the limitations of your shadow operating system. If this episode has sparked something in you, and if you're ready to stop shrinking your desires into needs and start owning what you truly want. Then you're exactly where you need to be. I said I have the re-invention roadmap is coming and it is going to guide you through all of those micro transformations. That allow you to move beyond what the shadow operating system has been doing for years. And step fully into the game you want to play. So thank you for listening this week and now go out there and want boldly. You deserve it.