We’re All Just Immature 6-Year-Olds Playing the Game of Life

Join us on a revealing journey in this episode titled "We’re All Just Immature 6-Year-Olds Playing the Game of Life," where we delve deep into the world of emotional maturity—or the frequent lack thereof—and how our earliest experiences shape our adult behaviors, decisions, and interpersonal dynamics. 

Explore how childhood drivers like "Be strong" and "Be perfect," rooted in Transactional Analysis, continue to govern our actions and reactions, often subconsciously. 

Learn why understanding these drivers is crucial not just for personal growth but for professional success. 

We dissect scenarios from everyday life, demonstrating how these childlike mechanisms manifest in settings like the workplace, and offer strategies to recognize, confront, and evolve beyond these ingrained patterns. 

Whether you're battling with personal change, struggling with decision-making, or seeking to enhance your leadership skills, this episode provides insights into transforming your emotional responses to foster a more mature, insightful, and empowered self.

Ready to elevate your personal power and step into your most authentic self? Download the Reinvention Roadmap now and start your journey toward unmatched clarity, self-mastery, and bold transformation. This powerful guide will help you redefine your path and create a vision for your future that aligns with your deepest values and aspirations. Get instant access and begin crafting the life you’re meant to lead.

Ready to find out what has really been calling the shots in your career and possibly life? Take the ShadowOS Archetype Quiz today.


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Transcript

1:08

Welcome. My friends. Today. I'm going to break the rules. The rules that they set about sharing something that you haven't fully processed yet, because I think it will be extremely helpful for you to understand. Um, What this looks like in your life, as you see it playing out in near real time. In mine in my explanations. So. Um, I want to share what happened in a recent coaching session. That had a profound effect on me. And I think I was talking about resistance and most likely my resistance to lowering my walls of protection around my heart. And I was probably resistant. To laying down what I've come to understand through my study of transactional analysis is my be strong driver. And there's actually five drivers in Trent transactional analysis. And. The concept of transactional analysis is that. These are the unconscious psychological forces that push individuals, children. Usually to adopt certain behaviors and attitudes, which they believe will earn them acceptance or approval from others. And these usually come about. At a very young age. When your emotional needs or our emotional needs. Are no longer being met. By our primary caregivers. So the five drivers are first be perfect. And this driver compels individuals to strive for flawlessness and precision in everything they do. And it can lead to high achievement, but often at the cost of anxiety, fear of failure and an inability to accept anything less than perfection. The second one is be strong. And individuals with this driver. Push themselves to appear tough and unemotional. Often suppressing feelings to handle difficulties on their own. They're considered the lone Wolf or the loner. Um, And this can sometimes result. In difficulty connecting with others emotionally. And this is exactly what I was being coached on in the session. Recently. Um, The third is hurry up. And this driver creates a constant sense of urgency. Making individuals rush through tasks in life and it can lead to efficiency, but also to mistakes, stress. Superficial reality in relationships and work. You know, this person they're always like, come on, come on. Let's go. Hurry up, hurry up. Let's do it. All right. I have a few of those in my life. The fourth is please others. And here, the focus is on pleasing others to gain their approval. This is the people pleaser. Individuals, um, with this driver Malley neglect, their own needs and boundaries leading to a lack of self identity and potential resentment. And then the last driver is try-hard. And this driver in bulbs, putting significant effort. Into tasks. And often without seeing proportional results. And that can result in frustrations, feelings of inadequacy. Um, when the outcome. Doesn't match the effort expend. And there's a good chance that you have some aspect of one or more of these. Um, I see myself in the be strong and the try-hard. I have a little bit of try-hard in me. Or. Mine's more like, make it hard. But you, you get what I'm saying? So. I have known for years and I mean, years probably. 10. Maybe even more, maybe 15 years. That I operate under the be strong umbrella. So that was one I'm trying to think back of when I first was introduced to transactional analysis. And. Like even to go a little bit deeper with the concept is in transactional analysis, it talks about the three states of being that we operate in. And I learned this. Um, As a management tool actually. Because we either operate from a childlike position, which shows up as the. The pleaser child, That's going to, um, do anything to fit in. And, or the rebellious child, Hello, that's me. This is the one that's just going to act out all the time. Um, The other way it shows up as is as a parent, And most often it shows up as a critical parent where your. Oh, no, if you, if you've ever managed people. If you say you did this and you should have done this and you, you, you, That's it sounds like the critical parent that used to. Um, Paradise or discipline us as children. And then the, the third way, it would just the way that we all need to strive to be is the adult who takes emotion out of the situation. And looks at it objectively through the lens of truth and facts. And tries to like have communication based on fact, not on. They're accusatory. Critical parents side or their rebellious child, or there are people pleasing child, So, like I said, I have known that this is how I operate for many, many years. And I actually, when I was thinking about those podcasts, I started laughing now at the realization of how I accepted this blindly accepted this as part of my identity without making any attempt to change it until most recently. And this. Highlights. So. Brightly, I guess. How. Awareness is not enough. We have to do something with that awareness in order to change it. Even if it's just question it, like I never questioned it. I was like, yep. That's how I am. And it wasn't until a recent. Um, identity transformation that I'm trying to make that I recognized, oh, wait, if I want this next identity, I can't take this driver with me. I have to do something about it. And we're going to talk about that here in a second. But back to my coaching session. So as I'm in this resistance to loosening my grip on this driver. I mean, it has protected me my whole life. So, you know, it's. Not unreasonable that I have this resistance. But my coach says to me, Cause she's tough. And I'm going to quote her. She said, Look. You are like a six year old sitting in the middle of the room with a sheet over her head. Yelling at everyone. That they can't see you. Like I'm sitting there going, you can't see me. I have the sheet on me. You don't know I'm here. And she said the only person who can't see you is you. And, um, my mind blown, right? Little. Um, blown head emoji going off. And I'm like, what the fuck did she just say? Like, I'm going to need to process this. Because I could see, it was almost like the whole, um, Your life flashing before your eyes? I could see. Every event, every, um, Interaction that went wrong. I could see that version of me. As the person. In the event and in the, the conversation or in the conflict. And it just was mind blowing. But. As she kept talking and explaining this process. As it turns out, this happens to everyone. Not the six year old with the sheet, but the emotional maturity, your emotional maturity stops at the point or the age that your primary caregiver no longer meets your emotional needs. And the majority of us are operating with the emotional maturity of a six year old. And I just want to, I'm going to add a caveat here that I didn't have in my notes is. Emotional intelligence. And emotional maturity or separate things. Because. I would say for the most part, I'm pretty emotionally intelligent. Like I know what's happening when I'm having a conversation and there's some type of conflict. I resolution to it. I have had I not practiced. Might not have been in a mature resolution. However, I am very aware of what's going on. So I want to, you know, if you're saying, oh, but I'm really emotionally intelligent. Yes. You very well may be. However, you still could be very emotionally immature and not know it. Cause it's happening below the surface. It's happening. Like in the ed, if you will, if you think in broad terms, So. Where am I going to go with all of this? There are so many places to see this inaction. Like think about the meetings that you have in your office or with your team or clients or whatever. And the conversation is most likely happening between everyone's six and seven year old self. And now when I look at meetings, I could see like a bunch of kids sitting around the conference table, arguing. And this is why decisions don't get made and conflicts don't get resolved. They might get tabled, but they hardly ever get resolved. Especially in a corporate setting. So today though, I want to look at this through the lens of, um, identity creation and resistance to change. And let's dig deeper into this. When we talk about creating a new identity, what we're really confronting is not just our habits, but our very ego and our ego cleans to what is known to the status quo because that's where it feels. The safest, this resistance is deeply rooted in the desire to avoid discomfort. A trait that our inner child knows all too well. Creating a new identity is in direct conflict with our Eagle. All it wants is for everything to stay as it is. Status quo is the ego's default setting. So let's use a universal example. To anchor this in, Our universal diet example that almost every woman on the planet can relate to. Let's say that you set a goal to lose 20 pounds using a keto diet protocol. Most people will create a plan, And meal plan, maybe. Um, maybe do some shopping ahead of time to stock up on some keto compliant foods, pin, a few recipes in Pinterest. And plan to start on Monday because I mean, that's the only day that you can start a diet. It's the law. Then with childlike naivete, we embark on our journey. Valuing not to eat anything in our pantry or fridge that is off protocol. And we likely make it through Monday. Even maybe Tuesday. But Wednesday. Cups, super stressful at work, you stay late or you have kids, um, in sports on opposite sides of town and you're running back and forth across town. And by the time you get home, you're starving. And you're emotionally drained. What do you reach for? I guess is the closest thing. Or something that you believe. Is going to SUSE. This emotional exhaustion. And it most likely has done. So before. You're definitely not going to dig out the cutting board and the veggies and start chopping and prepping and cooking a keto dinner. So where. Did this process go wrong? Where did you go wrong in this entire thing? It wasn't Wednesday. It was before you even began. The child, like belief that you could be trusted with non protocol food in your house and rely on willpower. To carry you. Is emotional immaturity. And this isn't just about diets though, right? Think about how this approach. Could. Transform your work projects or your personal relationships. What if before entering a challenging phase at work, you removed, not just the distractions. But also preemptively addressed potential stress points with your team. It's about setting up all areas of your life, not just to succeed, but to win. And this child, like belief that you can muscle through something. Like it was actually your resistance to discipline that kept you from cleaning up your environment ahead of time to eliminate temptation. Because the child in you sees discipline through the lens of punishment. Instead of freedom, which we learn as adults. Even, I think the, um, The origin of the word. Leads us to disciple or discipline us like of following a regimen and like learning and growing. It doesn't have anything to do with punishment. All of that came along with school. The critical parent military, like all of that. So that definition in and of itself is very immature. With any goal that you set it's imperative. That you remove any and all distractions and in this case, it would have been all non-compliant food. But it's not just the food. Like when you go on a diet, it's not. It's not even about the food 99% of the time. It's what's going on behind the scenes emotionally. And it calls for you to foresee obstacles and solve for them ahead of time. In this example, some pre prepped meals that are readily available on nights like this, when you're exhausted and you don't have the capacity to cook on protocol. But alongside that dietary prep. You would have mapped out this week's emotional landscape as well. Especially if you knew Wednesdays or a big kid's sports day where you're going to be running and you're going to be late and you're going to be tired, Kids are going to be tired. They're going to be hungry. You're going to be tired. Like it's a given that this is going to happen, but we never think about that when we set out on our goals. We only think about. What is directly related to the goal that I'm, that I'm doing? We don't see this secondary, um, relational. Aspect at all. But if you had known. That Wednesday was going to be intense. You could have set up like a check-in was a mentor or a, an accountability partner just to like, say, Hey, I'm like super stressed. Can you help me? Like, stay on track. Or even like some. Type of deep decompression protocol, As you sit in your car, waiting for the kids to. Come off of the field. Just to reground yourself and breathe for a second. It's about fortifying, not just your physical surroundings, but also your mental and emotional defenses. Against the pressures that will inevitably calm. And when I. Elm working with my clients. I have them prepare for as many interruptions obstacles. Um, Distractions as possible, even good ones. Right? I'm always thrilled when I get an unplanned, unexpected visit from my kids or my grandkids. However, that doesn't mean that it doesn't throw me off because I, in my head, I thought my day was going to go a certain way. And I planned for that. Yet here comes this. Loving. Um, interaction or enter a. Distraction. And I have to know how I'm going to respond. In order to not react. In our child lights like states, we must do everything possible to set ourselves up for success. And my girlfriend pointed out recently, we were having some chat in box or like we are doing constantly. Um, she said, I feel like you're playing not to lose instead of playing to win. And I don't remember what the context was, but that. Was, you know, rung true in this situation also. Because playing to win looks like discipline. It looks like preparation. It looks like eliminating old patterns or eliminating the ease at which we can fall into them. Think about the concept of. Putting your alarm clock across the room. If you can't stop hitting snooze and get out of bed on time. Move the damn alarm clock across the room so that you have to get out of bed to turn it off. Cause you're likely not going to go back to bed once you're up. It's just the getting up that you need help with. So why try to willpower or muscle through something? That you could. Change the environment a little bit. That makes it really hard for you to continue the bad behavior that you're trying to eliminate. And I want you to consider discipline, like, not as a series of restrictions. But as the very foundation of your freedom. It's the discipline set up that liberates you from falling prey to the old habits and patterns. And when you're playing to win every step taken. Every discipline in forest is a step towards the larger victory. And your ultimate freedom and success. So let's look at this. Let's look at it at identity creation and how you can apply these same principles to this process to set yourself up for success. The process of identity creation. As I said earlier is pretty much an attack on your ego. And to have a true transformative experience, it's going to require you to let go of like 80% of who you've been up to this point. And that's a lot, like even for a mature person. A significant part of identity curation that I take my clients through and I do it as well. Is obstacle identification and response planning, like we just talked about, right. I have them think of every obstacle distraction. Even the good ones. So that they can create, ate a preemptive response to it when it happens. Like I learned this concept a long time ago with like calendar, calendar, ring, um, process of, I go through my calendar. Every month. And I set all of my personal stuff on there. Doctors appointments. Um, date nights dinner with friends. Like any of that goes on the calendar first. And then I come back and layer in projects that I'm working on, or, um, classes that I'm taking, coaching sessions. My clients get layered in all of that gets layered in so that I can get a full picture. And then. I say, okay, what could possibly happen this month? That could throw any of this off of off track. And I do it on a monthly basis, but I also do it on a weekly basis because as you know, We don't always plan our calendar 30 days in advance. Even though we would love to. And I look at, you know, okay. Could the, could it be rainy? So I'm not going to get the lawn mowed. Could it be. Um, You know, the kids. Pop by. Somebody came in from out of town. Like anything, it could be. I don't know, a full moon. Could throw me off. Who knows? But I think of every single thing I possibly can. And then I say, if this happens, How am I going to respond? And I preplan all of that. Just like you would meal prep for a diet so that on Wednesday night, when you come home exhausted, You don't have to think. You can just grab something that you've already set up, pop it in the microwave or on the stove or whatever. And you're good. You got nourished. You stayed on your diet. Everything works out when you know how you're going to respond. So. Let's bring this back and tie it all into our emotional immaturity. Every one of us has developed cocaine coping mechanisms that have stunted our growth. And we must begin to seek these out in order to develop and utilize adult emotional maturity. And this includes constantly reminding ourselves that we are in fact now adults who knew no longer need to shield or shade ourselves from our emotions. And I use this in. Goal setting and identity creation examples because they represent change. And assault on our ego. Which immediately triggers our personal driver and takes us right back to our six year old self. Hiding under the sheet, telling everyone that they can't see her. I'd love as we wrap up. I'd love for you to take a look at the five drivers of transactional analysis. And determine which one. You tend to resort to when your nervous system cannot handle the current situation or emotion that is coming up. And just remember, don't stop at awareness, recognize your inner child in these moments and reassure her that it's safe to not use this driver as. A protective mechanism. And this also. Looks like you reassuring your ego, that it's safe for you to make these changes. This is a big, big shift. Remember I said 80%. Of who you are right now is got to go. In order for you to become the next version of yourself. So I think that's where I want to wrap up. I think I've driven home, the concept that I'm trying to get across today of. How. Emotionally stunted and we are, and not, you know, We always get so caught up when we hear the word immature. Especially when it becomes, when it comes to emotional maturity. And, but everyone is at this point, it's not just you, it's not just me. We're all stuck in that childlike. State. Until we become aware of it. So this is your awareness, uh, episode. You're welcome. Now, what are you going to do about it? It's time. I think for us too. Fully embrace the changes that we're seeking. Like I know if you're listening. You are into shadow work and identity creation. Otherwise, why would you be here? So in order to do that, right, you have to embrace the changes that are required in order for those things to happen and reassuring ourselves that it's safe to evolve, but beyond. Our childhood defenses is one of the keys to all of this, I would say it's time to remove the sheet. See clearly and step boldly into your potential. And that is it. My friends, I will see you next week.