Identity Limbo: Living in the Awkward In-Between

In this episode of "Shadow Dominatrix," we delve into "Identity Limbo: Living in the Awkward In-Between." 

Join us as we explore the transformative yet challenging phases of personal identity shifts where the old self is shedding, but the new has yet to emerge. We discuss the dynamics of control and trust, particularly through the lens of everyday situations like being a passenger in a car. Hear personal anecdotes and psychological insights that reveal what these moments can teach us about ourselves and our relationships. We also dissect the complex interplay between dominance and submission in communication and how these affect our transformation. 

Tune in to learn how to navigate these liminal spaces with greater awareness and grace, transforming awkward transitions into powerful growth opportunities.

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Transcript

1:08

Welcome back to the shadow dominatrix podcast. Um, this one's going to be probably a quick one. But it is something that has come up over and over recently, not only in my life, but in, um, my clients and colleagues and friends. I hear it quite a bit. So. We are going to delve into this, um, transformational stage that I call, um, I keep calling it like the awkward in-between or identity limbo, if you will. And this is that liminal space. During identity shifts where the old self is shedding, but the new hasn't fully formed. It's like being neither here nor there. Like caught in between past certainty. And future possibilities. And it's almost as if you're in the state of adolescence or midlife, right. Where you don't really fit in anywhere just yet. The awkward in between. Isn't just a concept. It's a lived experience that mirrors the turbulence of adolescents or the uncertainty of midlife crisis is. And whether you're shifting, um, your perspectives, behaviors, or entire identities, this phase is characterized by. The discomfort and vulnerability. And a dear friend of mine is currently navigating this terrain on her own. She's learning how to allow her husband to be his own authority, trying to stay in our own lane yet she's still wrestling with old patterns. Caught between victim and painting him as the villain, or even secretly hoping that he fails so that she can remain the same. Now in our humanness, we don't like change and will subconsciously we will subconsciously. Route for failure, if it means that we don't have to change, isn't that crazy? Um, And even like, she's not doing this consciously, but she has commented that she can feel herself in her mind, arguing with herself about. You know, Am I being the, this version or am I being this version? And we're going to talk about that some more. So reflecting on my own journey, I've been working on allowing my husband to. Drive the car on his own. To actually get us from point a to point B without my guidance. Shall we say. And this shows up in the broader dynamics as I started thinking about it. And we're going to talk about that. Right now. Because. There are a million reals tic talks and memes about women telling their husbands how to drive. And this isn't a small thing, even though we do make light of it. And in my example, I have to keep reminding myself that he actually drives all the time by himself without me. And he seems to make it. Just fine. From it any point a to point B. So it's been this really awkward dance of trust, where I have to ask myself, like, if I can't trust him with this. Tiny thing, right? It feels tiny. It's actually really big. Because it, it is what we're basically saying when we get in the car with someone else is I trust you. To nurture and care for my life. Cause we know. Car accidents are like. Probably the number one cause of death. I don't know if that's real or not, but in my head. It's a lot. And whether it's an accident where you get hurt or you, you know, Injury or death or whatever. There's always a chance. When you get in a vehicle that something can happen. So when you sit in that passenger seat, you're basically saying here's my life. Take care of it, please. Which is why it makes it so hard for us to just let that person drive and not worry about it. But I, like I said, I have to keep asking myself if, if I don't trust him with this. How am I trusting him with the big things In our relationship, like my heart so as I'm practicing. Um, each moment I have to choose to step back. And I'm practicing, not just of letting go of control, but also embracing trust at a foundational level. So consider the last time that you were literally in the passenger seat, what was your instinct? Did you feel the urge to guide or control the drive? And this seemingly simple scenario can reveal a profound insight or insights about our need for control and our levels of trust. Both which play a crucial role as we navigate that awkward in between of our transformations. When we find ourselves in the passenger seat, it's often more than just a ride. It's a test of our ability to trust and relinquish control. And this dynamic is particularly intriguing because it acts as a mirror like reflecting our deeper psychological states. Why do some of us feel compelled to micromanage the driver? And what does this say about our perception of safety and our trust in our abilities? So consider this. The act of co-piloting from the passenger seat. Might stem from a past experience. Where giving up control led to a negative outcome. Or perhaps it reflects a habitual response where we equate control with safety. This need to oversee and to ensure that everything goes as planned can often extend beyond the car and into our personal and professional relationships. Now think about the vulnerability involved in letting someone else drive kind of like I just said, here's my life. Please guard it. As if it were yours. This vulnerability, isn't just physical. It's profoundly emotional in relationships. Whether with a spouse, a friend or colleague, letting someone else take the wheel. Involves a similar emotional risk. And how we handle this, tells us a lot about how we handle other vulnerabilities in our lives. And I think this kind of points out as a mom, especially as a parent of, um, Children of the driving age. That's why it is so difficult for a parent to teach a child how to drive because not only. It's while sitting in the passenger seat, are you saying don't kill me. Don't kill us, but also. There's a duality of you being responsible for the child's life as well. And yeah, I think it's just. Crazy. How difficult it is for a parent to teach a child how to drive yet they could, you know, get in the car with. Uh, Driving instructor or whatever, and be just fine. It's that whole, the dynamic of trust and safety that we are enmeshed in together. It's fascinating. This whole concept has been interesting for me to play with. Um, the past few days. So what can we do about this? First acknowledging our behaviors is a step towards understanding the roots and our need for control. Are we holding onto the steering wheel of our lives. So tightly out of fear. Or, or, and if so, what exactly are we afraid of? So as you ponder these questions, let's also consider how embracing a bit more trust might change. Your journey. Perhaps by loosening your grip, you allow not only yourself, but those around you to grow. And remember that sometimes the best way to find balance is. Is to trust the path that you're on and the people that you've chosen the journey with. And I talk about this a lot. I feel like we, um, Incarnate together in groups and each time we're here, we're w we might have different roles and relate differently, but work where the same. Uh, souls together. So. If you are, have someone in your life. Especially if they're playing a significant role, they're here for a reason. So when we think about that, right? How do we. Trust them more because we know, Hey, you know what? We've been here before. We might not know it, but we have, and we're going to be here together again. So maybe I could loosen up a little bit. So, let me say. What I said just a second ago, one more time so that you really get it right. Sometimes the best way to find balance is to trust the path you're on and the people you've chosen to journey with. And as we navigate the passenger seat of our lives, feeling the impulse to take control or issue guidance it's critical or crucial. To recognize these moments as part of our broader journey through the awkward in between. These are the times when we're neither fully in control or completely out of it. Mirroring the larger shifts in our identities and our roles. And by understanding and addressing these impulses, we can better navigate the complexities of transformation. Moving towards a more balanced and empowered state of being. Now these in between states also manifest in how we handle relationships. Take my friend. For example, she's working on letting go of control, building her sense of safety and trust that our husband won't let her down when she's vulnerable. In these early stages though, her focus might still slip back to monitoring his actions. Secretly hoping he'll fail so that she can cling to her old narrative. It's a defense mechanism, a way to avoid fully stepping into a new empowered way of being. So we have to ask ourselves, what is the secondary gain of this not working like, um, Verbalizing that I want it to right. That's always playing out because there is always some type of secondary gain. That is like rumbling beneath the surface that we have to really be, become consciously aware of. Also. I don't remember what episode it was, but I talked about this at length, when we discuss. Dominance and submission. We're not just talking about authority, but we're talking about influencing and being influenced. And it's fascinating to observe how someone can assert dominance with their words yet their body language might tell the story of submission. So that awkward in-between state, Where they're not. Really dominant and they're not really submissive, which sends off this, um, Confusing energetic. Um, vibe. That people don't know what to do with. For instance. Your boss might, um, Yell. About. The teams in competence or inability to deliver on a deadline or having made a mistake and. What is wrong with you? And it's a loud. Uh, dominant voice and dominant or words. With a lot of you, you, you Yet. What's actually happening inside is he's thinking. Look, what you've done to me. Which is fundamentally submissive, It's focused internally. And he's more upset about. How the actions and results from the team have made him look. Then he is about the actual outcome. But like most humans, he hasn't made the connection. So he resorts to what he knows. And if I had to guess, he's likely, um, the shadow. Operating system archetype of the director. And he feels like he's lost control. So in an effort to reclaim it, he rants and yells and uses. Um, Physical or verbal dominance. But what. Most what he and most people are not aware of is this awkward middle ground is totally ineffective. Others ignore us when we're in that stage, because it's not real. And they don't know how to see through the rant to understand that this person that's yelling. Is really in some sort of pain about what he or she feels has been done or happened to them. You can feel yourself like when somebody is in that awkward stage, you can feel yourself because they'll start saying something and you'll either lean in or lean out like, oh, I don't like this, or, oh, this is sounds good. Even. You see it all the time with online marketers, we can feel ourselves. Lee leaning into their message and then all of a sudden something happens and we're like, eh, I don't know. I don't, I don't know if I'm ready for this person. Yeah. And what's happening is they got caught in them that awkward stage in the middle. And we don't know how to respond because we're not attracted nor polarized. It's just this back and forth. That leaves us. In a state of, I don't know, I don't know what I want, so I'm not going to do anything. And that's what happens even with, um, Uh, a boss or a leader who uses loud language loud. Um, Projection in his tone and dominant language. Instead of like calmly discussing, Hey, what happened? Like, look, these results didn't quite come out the way we expected what happened? Let's go over this. Versus what the, you know, F did you do. What's wrong with you or are you an idiot? Like we've seen all, both sides, but that person is usually the one that is very, um, Emotionally. Unaware of how to regulate themselves, obviously. So, yeah, that in between state is, is. When you're there, you know, that, that there's, that person is struggling. Just FYI. And if it's you. You can also now know that, right? If you feel yourself saying one thing, but doing another or your body language is telling one story. And your words are saying something different. It's. You can know that you're in that awkward. In between stage. And nobody is getting you. Nobody can help you. Because they don't know what's really happening. So that's. Enough with that rant, The real power of the awkward in-between lies and its potential for growth. This is where we truly learn to let go of who we were and embrace who we are becoming. It's a crucial phase for any transformation. Be it personal professional or relational. It's about staying present in the discomfort and knowing that this transitional space. Is where we gain the clarity and the agency that lead us to mastery. And when I'm helping my clients with identity work, I'm constantly having them analyze their thoughts and patterns or behaviors and assessing them. To determine which identity it's supporting. So every behavior, every pattern, every thought you have is either supporting your current identity. Or the identity that you're trying to shift to. Even if it's a weight loss journey. You know, the universal example of weight loss. Either I'm the person. Who ate the food and exercised and, you know, took care of myself in a way that got me to this shape. Or I'm becoming the person who can get me to the next shape. And as long as we hold on to and continue to. Repeat patterns that got us where we are today. We will never be able to get to. Who we say we want to become, because it's literally that it's patterns, behaviors, thoughts, feelings. Of who we are. Or who we're going to be. And which one are we going to feed? So. I always have them. Quickly course. Correct. So figure out, okay, what did I just do? And which path, which identity did that serve? Now. How do I course correct and move through. This awkward stage of saying one thing and doing another. And, you know, with me, We don't just fantasize about how things could be. While we continue with the habits and patterns that got us where we are today. We actually use choice to create new ones that support where we're headed, not where we've been. And the good news is that with this conscious awareness and choice, we can limit the amount of time that we spend in the awkward middle, which catapults our transformation. And it creates the safety and intimacy that we're seeking. So. As we conclude today's journey. I want to invite you to lean into your own awkward in-betweens. Think about the transformations currently unfolding in your life. Are you resisting change out of fear or are you embracing each awkward uncomfortable moment as an opportunity for growth? So, thanks for joining me today. I know this was, um, Complex. Even though so simple, like who knew that, telling your husband how to drive when you're in the passenger seat. In the copilot seat. Could lead to so much insight into all areas of your life. So. Until next time. Remember that every moment of discomfort is a step closer to discovering your true self. So keep pushing through. And let's transform together. See ya.